Forbes Presumably Knows Poverty Better than Bernie
I haven't even read it yet. I just saw the headline in Forbes and kind of lost it. Bernie Sanders Doesn't Seem To Understand What Poverty Really Is. I am going to read it. I know, I know. I will, really.
I'm just trying to picture the Koch-level billionaire looking at this headline and hissing along "yeeeeeessss..." And we can't leave out Dr. Evil. I mean, throw me a frickin' bone over here. What do you mean Trump bought all the frickin sharks with frickin lasers on their heads? Or of course, the great Mr. Burns. Who, in the final analysis, really knows poverty better than Mr. Burns and his good friends and publicists at Forbes?
Certainly not cranky Bernie with the bad hair and the cheap suits! You'd never catch Mitt wearing that stuff! And if some bird landed on his podium during an important speech, he's have it stuffed and mounted on his seventh or ninth home's mantle - if he could find it - oh fine! You try finding all your homes and putting stuffed birds on all those mantles! Not easy!
So, again I have not read this bit yet, but I really will. Why would I pre-judge an eminent publication like Forbes on what promises to be a hard-hitting expose on what poverty may or may not be, as long as it's not what Bernie thinks it is? I wouldn't - I'm just saying. I mean, it's not like you're going to find the latest copy of the magazine - do they still print it on paper? Don't tell me! I'm going to be hitting their website any minute to find out about poverty. I'll also discover whether trees are being routinely sacrificed for the reading pleasure of Forbes subscribers.
Not that you have to subscribe (though you really should). You could find printed copies of Forbes in your financial planner's office, or perhaps at the orthodontist's. But they're probably old copies. Unless you're not a 'moocher class' and have a decent financial guy who only leaves the latest copy in the waiting room. But you have no time to read that! Non-moochers get in right away (you're not a moocher are you? Or did I ask that already?). If you're glancing at the latest Forbes in the good finance guy's office, you're not reading this commie blog.
Unless you are! In that case: Welcome! Please leave a large financial donation in some way (it's only polite).
Before I read how much Forbes has to tell the Senator about poverty, I'm struck by how much I want to put an exclamation mark in after "Forbes." So: Forbes! doesn't that seem more appropriate?
So, poverty, right? I mean, how can you really understand it unless you've caused it? There are so many downer stories about "oooo I was so poor I had to go to a State school" and "my golf clubs were off-the-rack longer than my suits were." We - and I mean myself and Forbes! because we're like total besties now - have walked that lonely yellow brick road paved only with dreams and, in the case of about 3,200 of the best Americans who own 99.999% of the country, actual gold.
You don't want to do it, but when your finance guy tells you that your manufacturing sector is only making 10.56% profit, you know it's time to cut that mooching workforce who are all likely pen-stealers and where are all those staplers anyway? There are places where the magic of the market pays salaries in twigs and feathers and after costs your profit will be around 10.56%
That's not a typo! You just don't understand FINANCE!
Sorry. So Bernie's got everything twisted because he likes to talk about Poverty without having gone to Forbes! to understand it's causes and effects. The poors who make Poverty, I'm guessing, are moochers (we know that) who do nothing but take from the government that is given to them by the Job Creators (no, Jobs as in the things where people work to feed their families, not the Bible story about Job the Job creator who is made into a divine moocher).
So just because people decide to become poor as a lifestyle choice, the real Americans are supposed to bring their money home from Panama to become taxed into lesser beings. Why? Because the moochers choose Poverty, clearly.
Look, me and my bro's at Forbes! want our money to have as safe and secure a future as our Corporate fellow-citizens. If our money comes home from it's life of untaxed leisure in foreign banks, that will cause it to be taxed and not be as big a comfort to Mr. and Mrs. Corporation (who are people, too!) and the many Forbes! readers who depend on it.
A growing percentage of Americans suffer from regular food insecurity and live not just paycheck-to-paycheck, but half say they couldn't come up with $400 to meet an unexpected expense. Elitists at Forbes! and their ilk (our ilk!) look at them with no recognition of the needs of fellow human beings. Or that the money they do spend at places like Wal-Mart goes to buy the Faberge Eggs that the Walton family use to throw at the help when they don't bring the moonshine and lard sandwiches quick enough. "Keep it movin, Cooter! This one here's a heavy one!"
They don't have the most fundamental understanding that if their daddy hadn't handed them their great-granddaddy's fortune, they would be displaying the sort of lazy careless uselessness that defines their lives today - only they'd be doing it at the expense of the other people who won the genetic lottery and become Forbes! readers.
As a matter of fact I'm not going to read what Forbes has to say about poverty in general and Bernie in particular. What the hell could they possibly have to say?
P.S. Fuck I read it and it's worse than I thought it was going to be.
I'm just trying to picture the Koch-level billionaire looking at this headline and hissing along "yeeeeeessss..." And we can't leave out Dr. Evil. I mean, throw me a frickin' bone over here. What do you mean Trump bought all the frickin sharks with frickin lasers on their heads? Or of course, the great Mr. Burns. Who, in the final analysis, really knows poverty better than Mr. Burns and his good friends and publicists at Forbes?
Certainly not cranky Bernie with the bad hair and the cheap suits! You'd never catch Mitt wearing that stuff! And if some bird landed on his podium during an important speech, he's have it stuffed and mounted on his seventh or ninth home's mantle - if he could find it - oh fine! You try finding all your homes and putting stuffed birds on all those mantles! Not easy!
So, again I have not read this bit yet, but I really will. Why would I pre-judge an eminent publication like Forbes on what promises to be a hard-hitting expose on what poverty may or may not be, as long as it's not what Bernie thinks it is? I wouldn't - I'm just saying. I mean, it's not like you're going to find the latest copy of the magazine - do they still print it on paper? Don't tell me! I'm going to be hitting their website any minute to find out about poverty. I'll also discover whether trees are being routinely sacrificed for the reading pleasure of Forbes subscribers.
Not that you have to subscribe (though you really should). You could find printed copies of Forbes in your financial planner's office, or perhaps at the orthodontist's. But they're probably old copies. Unless you're not a 'moocher class' and have a decent financial guy who only leaves the latest copy in the waiting room. But you have no time to read that! Non-moochers get in right away (you're not a moocher are you? Or did I ask that already?). If you're glancing at the latest Forbes in the good finance guy's office, you're not reading this commie blog.
Unless you are! In that case: Welcome! Please leave a large financial donation in some way (it's only polite).
Before I read how much Forbes has to tell the Senator about poverty, I'm struck by how much I want to put an exclamation mark in after "Forbes." So: Forbes! doesn't that seem more appropriate?
So, poverty, right? I mean, how can you really understand it unless you've caused it? There are so many downer stories about "oooo I was so poor I had to go to a State school" and "my golf clubs were off-the-rack longer than my suits were." We - and I mean myself and Forbes! because we're like total besties now - have walked that lonely yellow brick road paved only with dreams and, in the case of about 3,200 of the best Americans who own 99.999% of the country, actual gold.
You don't want to do it, but when your finance guy tells you that your manufacturing sector is only making 10.56% profit, you know it's time to cut that mooching workforce who are all likely pen-stealers and where are all those staplers anyway? There are places where the magic of the market pays salaries in twigs and feathers and after costs your profit will be around 10.56%
That's not a typo! You just don't understand FINANCE!
Sorry. So Bernie's got everything twisted because he likes to talk about Poverty without having gone to Forbes! to understand it's causes and effects. The poors who make Poverty, I'm guessing, are moochers (we know that) who do nothing but take from the government that is given to them by the Job Creators (no, Jobs as in the things where people work to feed their families, not the Bible story about Job the Job creator who is made into a divine moocher).
So just because people decide to become poor as a lifestyle choice, the real Americans are supposed to bring their money home from Panama to become taxed into lesser beings. Why? Because the moochers choose Poverty, clearly.
Look, me and my bro's at Forbes! want our money to have as safe and secure a future as our Corporate fellow-citizens. If our money comes home from it's life of untaxed leisure in foreign banks, that will cause it to be taxed and not be as big a comfort to Mr. and Mrs. Corporation (who are people, too!) and the many Forbes! readers who depend on it.
A growing percentage of Americans suffer from regular food insecurity and live not just paycheck-to-paycheck, but half say they couldn't come up with $400 to meet an unexpected expense. Elitists at Forbes! and their ilk (our ilk!) look at them with no recognition of the needs of fellow human beings. Or that the money they do spend at places like Wal-Mart goes to buy the Faberge Eggs that the Walton family use to throw at the help when they don't bring the moonshine and lard sandwiches quick enough. "Keep it movin, Cooter! This one here's a heavy one!"
They don't have the most fundamental understanding that if their daddy hadn't handed them their great-granddaddy's fortune, they would be displaying the sort of lazy careless uselessness that defines their lives today - only they'd be doing it at the expense of the other people who won the genetic lottery and become Forbes! readers.
As a matter of fact I'm not going to read what Forbes has to say about poverty in general and Bernie in particular. What the hell could they possibly have to say?
P.S. Fuck I read it and it's worse than I thought it was going to be.
posted by fiduciary at 3:17 PM
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